Sharing is Caring
Picture the scene, a child is happily playing with a train. They have prolonged concentration, they are problem solving, and they are developing their hand-eye coordination. Another child comes along, sees the train and wants to play with it. Depending on what stage in their development they are they either snatch it or ask for it. Let’s for a minute say they asked for it. The other child says no and happily continues to play. But the second child then becomes upset, crying, and comes over to you saying “Emily won’t share with me.” So, you either say, “oh, Emily, that’s not nice, let Sienna have a go” or you say “okay, Emily, here is a 5-minute timer, once it’s finished, it’s Sienna’s go, okay?”
What Sienna meant when she said “Emily won’t share with me” is, Emily won’t give me the toy straight away.
During the early years, children are learning how to meet their own needs. The concept of sharing is very complex for young children to understand and they have not yet developed empathy; they cannot see things from the other child’s perspective.
By ‘forcing’ Emily to give the toy to Sienna, either straight away or after the five-minute timer has finished, actually teaches both children the wrong thing.
It teaches Sienna that
crying loudly will help her get what she wants;
adults are in charge of who gets what and when they get it;
she doesn’t have to wait if she wants something;
other children’s feelings aren’t important.
It teaches Emily that
she should always interrupt what she is doing to give something to another child just because the other child asks;
her feelings, development, and play is not as important as the other child’s;
she has to manage her feelings about the whole situation.
Forcing a child to share does not teach the social skills that we want them to learn, instead, the opposite.
Children should be able to play freely, feel fulfilled by their experience, and then be able to give the toy over when they are finished. This encourages the development of other very important skills - self-regulation, self-discipline, and choice. It shows the child that the adults listen and understand their play and the importance of it. Fred Rodgers said “play gives children a chance to practice what they are learning”. So why on earth would we interrupt that?
Not forcing a child to share also promotes generosity. Children enjoy making other children happy, and when they are able to do it on their own terms and in their own time, not when they are forced, they learn how to be kind and giving. Teaching children how to ask for a turn, how to wait, and how to take turns is a learning experience. When children are not forced to share, children learn patience and empathy.
So, what happened when I stopped forcing children to share?
Having practiced this since the beginning of the academic year (September in the UK) I am really pleased to be sharing the positive experience and effects this has had on my class.
With a lot of things in the Early Years, I find it is really important that explanations are given to children. This could be from why there is a change in the timetable, to explaining why we need to use an apron during water play. An in-depth explanation gives the children the ‘why’ and therefore they are much more likely to understand and be happy with the reason.
I expected that I might have children crying and being very upset at me not immediately getting them the toy, but with an explanation I was pleasantly surprised that they were absolutely fine.
When a child tells me that they want a toy, I calmly explain that “at the moment, Emily is playing with the train and that when she is finished, she will come and find you to see if you would still like to play with it.” I also explain to Emily that “Sienna would like to play with the train, and once you are finished with it, can you find Sienna and ask her if she’d like to play with it?” I then support Sienna to find a toy or alternative activity she is interested in playing with until that time. I name her feelings for her and empathise with her about how frustrating it is to have to wait her turn. But I still don’t make them share.
Both children
feel heard;
feel like their play is valued and is important;
understand and develop how to manage their feelings;
develop an understanding of others feelings;
show kindness and patience;
in the end, get what they want, to play with the train.
Montessori agrees
In a Montessori Nursery there is a simple rule - if someone is playing with something then it is not available until they put it back on the shelf. When rules are so clear and simple, the children follow them and there are rarely any issues.
Reflection time…
I often reflect on my practice, as you know, and always think ‘What do I want to teach the children?’ and ‘What do I want them to learn?’
While I don’t think we need to intervene in every scenario, I do want to set expectations of turn-taking and treating others with kindness early on. I place a lot of value on focused, uninterrupted play. If we are constantly forcing our children to share, or making them give up their toys, then we aren’t giving them the time they need to learn. They don’t have the uninterrupted time to problem solve, to try again, to find alternative outcomes.
By not forcing children share, I’ve also been teaching them to wait. Waiting is hard for children - even for adults, just think of Amazon Prime! And just because I’m not forcing my children to share within my time limits, that doesn’t mean that I’m not teaching them to share, be kind, and to care.
There is nothing wrong with sharing, it’s a beautiful idea and an important concept. But think about the core practices of Early Years and then ask yourself ‘Does my practice support this?’ Do we really mean share? Or do we mean turn-taking? Does sharing mean I need to hand it over right now? Can I wait for my friend to finish before I have my turn?
